[BABE] OF THE MONTH: KOBI

The first few days I refused to talk to almost everyone. I made my husband call and tell my parents that there would no longer be a baby joining us come June. I made him make sure that they didn’t call or try to reach out to me. I shut down. I didn’t want to be touched or looked at. I felt ashamed. I felt like I had failed, like I had failed our baby. I felt trapped in my grief. After the initial shock and when I started thinking about opening up about it all it wasn’t very hard to lay it all out there.

When I posted about our loss I had people that I knew for a very long time message me telling me about their losses. They told me that they had never been able to talk about it and that seeing me open up about it brought light to their situation. I had people I had never met sending me messages, thanking me, confiding in me, and sharing their pain. It sounds backwards but hearing people stories, knowing I wasn’t alone lifted my pain to a bearable level. I felt each loving, supportive comment.

At the time of our loss there were 9 people in my surrounding life, including myself, that were expecting. These were close friends, women at work and people in my fitness community. 4 of us lost our babies within 2 weeks of each other. One being one of my very closest friends. This is how common miscarriages are but you rarely hear about it. 1 in 4 families suffer these tragic losses yet they seem to be suffering silently. I wanted to bring a little light to this very difficult thing even if that meant letting everyone I knew into my broken world.

When we started to lose the baby I knew. I knew that I was miscarrying. I had been pregnant before, I had given birth before and I knew the feeling I was experiencing was miscarriage. Although my husband has been with me every step of the way through both my pregnancies and both of our boys births. He physically didn’t know what I was going through. I was expecting the ER doctor to come back with earth shattering results.  But my amazingly optimistic husband was hopeful. I watched the hope dissipate from his eyes and turn to utter devastation. I watched his heart break.  In that moment I realized that, yes, my womb was empty and I was carrying the physical burden but he too was carrying the same emotional burden. We stood united in our grief. He too lost his child. He has been so supportive of me this whole journey that I’ve fallen more in love with him.

Our rainbow baby was a BIG surprise. We were actually trying to NOT get pregnant. I was so afraid of losing another child that I didn’t want to get pregnant again. Not because we didn’t want more children, we’ve always thought 3 was the perfect number. It was because I was so overcome by fear and anxiety that the thought of losing another baby was too much for me. My husband is so supportive and understanding that he’s always on board with decisions that help to put my mind at ease.

I found it comforting when I finally realized that this babies due date was November 4th, the exact day we lost our Angel Babe. We are firm believers that everything happens for a reason and this couldn’t have been a coincidence. Our angel was sending us a sign, a gift, another chance. It helped to bring peace and to highlight that some things are just out of our hands.

I received an incredible amount of support from different women. Not just one piece of advice sticks out. Anyone who has ever gone through this can offer some sort understanding. Miscarriage doesn’t affect everyone the same. Some people, like myself, are in such a deep dark place that they can barely get out of bed. But some people are totally okay after and that’s okay too! There’s no right or wrong way to feel about losing a pregnancy.

 A sister of a close friend messaged me opening up about her 3 losses. She assured me that every single thought and feeling was ok to feel. I had so many friends hold me up and support me. Some of them have suffered losses, some haven’t but every one of them understood my hurt. They listened, they cried, they were strong for me.

Do what makes you feel better.  You are not alone. You’re allowed to let yourself feel. You’re allowed to honor your lost babe. If it helps give your child a name. Move through it, feel, breathe, cry. You can talk about your baby, your feelings, your pain. You can express yourself weather that is through words, through activity, through music or art. Take as much time as you need to grieve. Never let people tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. Your baby was still a baby no matter how long you got to carry them for.

We both believe whole heartedly of the power of positivity and the strength of your mind. When we look back and most every negative thing that has happened to us there has been good that has come from it. In the thick of things it is hard to picture how negativity would ever be beneficial but it is. In those hard times we remind ourselves that there is always a bigger picture and everything happens the way it is supposed to. It keeps you grounded. Those terribly hard times make the good times that much better. In this experience it makes us appreciate those 2 beautiful healthy boys we carried to term. With this pregnancy I’ve cherished every milestone, every queasy tired moment because that means there’s a baby! A baby is growing safe in my womb. Creating life is a precious precious gift that should never be taken for granted.